This is a cooperative blog: a co/blog. We've really just started this experiment, so give a few months to get some momentum. Each of the five charter authors involved are responsible for a different set of topics, and each will post on their own schedule. We hope you enjoy the content provided here, and find it useful. The information provided is meant as opinion and editorial purposes only, and should never be taken as professional advice.

A Pregnant Pause, Cure?

Archived in Relationships, Pregnancy | No Comments

A new addition to the family will, without a doubt, put at least a little strain on your relationship. PLANNING in advance to keep your vows strong may help smooth things in the long run.

Dear Liz,

I’m six months pregnant and feeling wonderful in anticipation of our new baby. But my husband has fallen into something of a slump. He used to be a happy-go-lucky sort of guy, but now spends a lot of TIME talking about “how poor we will soon be” or “how he is no longer important in my life.” How can I tell him that everything will be just fine, and that he is more important than ever?

Expecting in Eckland

Dear Expecting,

New dads often feel left out of the process. After all, they “do their part” then sit back and watch while the magic happens, right? My sister had a problem that was very similar to your own, and found that her husband was ACTUALLY more worried about being a good dad, than most anything else. Sure, there were concerns over money, future intimacy, chores, sleepless nights, and all the changes that come with baby. But what was really bugging her guy was the looming desire not to screw up.

Now, there are exceptions to every rule, but our society tends — tends — to give a lot more support to soon-to-be mothers than future-fathers. After all, we’re the one’s having the baby, right? But from your husband’s perspective, there is very little in the way of sharing and knowledge that help him to figure out the dos and the don’ts of fatherhood.

Is he worried about cash flow? Chances are he’s thinking about providing the same level of care and comfort to you and the baby as you are currently accustomed. Make a budget. Assure him that kids don’t really get expensive for a couple years, and remind him that you’ll likely be showered with more gifts and support than you really want.

Is he worried about family rank? Remind him that for a while he’s going to be the sole bread-winner. Not only is he important, but there are suddenly two people depending on him, waiting at home for him, and who love him.

Is he worried about intimacy and getting attention from you? Set up some baby-sitters NOW. Soon-to-be grandparents will likely LOVE to take over responsibility every other Friday night while you and your guy slip out to a movie or for dinner. A semi-weekly, or monthly pre-scheduled date may do wonders.

Is he worried about involvement? Give him tasks. Maybe he is ambitious and can build a beautiful, personalized nursery where the baby will live and grow. Or maybe he can be tasked with building a rocking collection of music and/or books to help the nurturing process. There are dozens of things that can get him involved.

In the end, it comes down to knowing that (even if he may not tell you outright) he probably just wants to do some good. Give him the chance to let him shine where he’s best, and you may notice real improvement — and get some side benefits as well.

- Liz

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Chosing Chores In Balance and Harmony

Archived in Relationships, Time | No Comments

Sharing the responsibilities in any marriage is a balancing act — and a symbol of trust and respect.

Dear Liz,

I thought this was the twenty-first century! I can’t get my husband to help with any of the housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc). We both work full TIME jobs, and I’m just as tired at the end of the day as he is. His excuse is that he does the yard work, but watering plants and occasionally mowing grass does not seem on the level with what I contribute.

Baffled in Beaumont

Dear Baffled,

It’s a classic conundrum to be certain. And it’s a question that’s been plaguing RELATIONSHIPS since the dawn of TIME. A few weeks, days, or years into any marriage, the question of “traditional” roles is almost certain to come up. Who does what, when, and how often?

If there were an easy solution, I’d share it. But alas, this confounding frustration is a common mantra of nearly every relationship. He shovels the snow, she dusts the blinds. He grills the steaks, she boils the potatoes.

Once thing is absolute, however: there is no such thing as a passive-aggressive solution to this problem. Ignoring it won’t make it vanish, going “on strike” will not alleviate the strain, and nagging (at least in my experience) causes more harm than good to the supposed “wedded bliss.”

The most basic advice is to talk it over — calmly, and openly — over dinner or a glass of wine. Relax. Don’t attack or pounce the issue. Assure your partner that with a more balanced workload you would probably have more energy for, ahem, other activities. Negotiate. Trade chores for a certain weekday.

Important to remember is that there needs to be a “carrot” — a benefit that only you can provide (from a favorite meal to, well, you know, wink-wink) — that is not withholding, taking hostage, denying, or threatening to your partner. There must be open communication, and clear understanding that the “icing on the cake” of your relationship is attained when you feel respected and appreciated.

Remember, it’s not about manipulating your guy into something he doesn’t want to do or having him give up something he enjoys. It’s about finding a way to share your chores and responsibilities without pushing the the “wrong way.” Remember, the scales can tip either way on this one. Hope that helps.

– Liz

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A Pregnant Pause, Cure? >> A new addition to the family will, without a doubt, put at least a little strain on your relationship. Planning in advance to keep your vows strong may help smooth things in the long run. Dear Liz, I'm six months pregnant and feeling

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